The wonders of modern medicine continue to astound me. On a small secret island off the coast of Italy there is a neurosurgeon who has claimed that he is now ready to perform the world’s first ever brain transplant on a human being.
Now myself, DRAGONE, knows all about the mysteries of the brain. I have studied Myers-Briggs theory to exhaustion and have come to the conclusion that one’s core personality cannot be changed. And so I am skeptical of not only a personality transformation, but an entire brain transplant. First hair transplants, and now brain transplants. My my.
Figure 1: The great Italian brain transplant surgeon performs a trial run on a mummy.
Now such a procedure does not come cheap. The victim must, of course, be very wealthy, and for ethical reasons such a high-risk operation must only be done as a last resort.
This is where Justin Bieber comes in. Not only is he very rich, but he is terminally stupid. As he puts it himself, “Man I’m so stupid.” Justin had his team scour the world for the greatest genius who might be willing to trade brains for a once-in-a-lifetime payout.
But here’s the catch Justin. Its not really a “brain transplant”. Its actually a “body transplant”. You see, your brain is YOU. If you put it in another body, then YOU will occupy that body. This was explained to the Bieb, but he would have none of it. “I said I want a brain transplant, not a body transplant!” he cried in a fit while snorting cotton candy. “I’m paying you guys to figure it out!”
So there you have it. Justin Bieber thinks he is getting a new brain for his sexy albeit hairy body.
Figure 2: Justin Bieber shows off the bod.
So which genius did Justin find to trade brains (or bodies) with? He requested Albert Einstein, but unfortunately Einstein is dead. Next up on the list – the great physicist Stephen Hawking. Stephen Hawking agreed as fast as was possible for him to do so in his current physical state.
Figure 3: Stephen Hawking player poker with some friends.
Hawking was asked what will be the first thing he does with his new Bieber body. Remove the current tattoos, he said, and replace them with a tattoo of a binary star system being sucked into a black hole.
Figure 4: Stephen Hawking’s new tattoo.
And now for some fan mail. Go on, ask me anything.
Mr. DRAGONE, you amuse me. You make me laugh. Thank you. But I have a strange fetish. I enjoy being sad. Can you help me? — Dark Raven.
Well, Dark, can I call you Dark? I sense that you are a very sensitive person. Perhaps a tad emo? Did you know that the Japanese experimented on emos, trying to figure out what makes them so sad, and accidentally invented emoji. Now emoji are very happy. I would recommend that you purchase one as a pet.
Hey DRAGONE, my buddy and I have a bet. He says that Smart cars are so small that you could fit 30 of them in a plane. I say that you can’t. What do you say? – Eric
Unfortunately, Eric, your bud-bud is right. Let me explain to you how small Smart cars are by using some familiar objects. A Smart car compared to the island of Jamaica is approximately in the same ratio as an electron compared to an atomic nucleus. And everyone knows that atoms are very small!
Enough crazy science for today my infomaniacal readers. Time for sleep.