2016 Predictions: The Guns N’ Roses Edition

yogi bear and boo boo

Isn’t Boo Boo too cute for words?

To quote the great Yogi Bear, the only cartoon character to ever play professional baseball:

“It’s hard to make predictions, especially about the future.”

I, DRAGONE, with my overdeveloped intuition and my underdeveloped sense of shame, shall be attempting to do just this.  Make predictions about none other than the future, despite the fact that “the future ain’t what it used to be.”  Only time will tell whether or not I will be correct.

My first installment of “2016 Predictions” is dedicated to the great 20th Century rockers Guns N’ Roses who have announced that they plan to reunite in April of this year to headline at a major festival.

My predictions:

  1. There will be no reunion. But this won’t be known until the night of their first planned concert, after thousands of middle aged baby boomers will have paid hundreds of dollars for tickets only to wait hours in the rain for the spoiled Prima Donnas who will refuse to come out on stage due to a contract dispute with the festival organizers.
  2. Shortly afterwards, Axl Rose will admit himself into an addictions centre.
  3. He will successfully complete his time there, and come out a clean man.
  4. However, he will then throw himself into an epic eating binge, and after a heart to heart meeting with Val Kilmer at the Cheesecake Factory will embark on a new career as a competitive eater with the MLE (Major League Eating) federation.
  5. He will specialize in hot dogs, and after 6 months of intensive training will enter his first competition where he will be humiliated by a 98 pound Japanese woman.
  6. Axl will once again go into seclusion and will not be heard from for yet another 15 years.
  7. Meanwhile, the next morning, Slash will dump all of his guitars into a transport truck, and never touch another guitar again in his life.
  8. He will cut his hair.
  9. He will drive his guitars to the Burning Man Festival where he will burn them all in a big bonfire.
  10. He will call this event “Burning Guitar”.
  11. Slash will then become a motivational speaker and will even be filmed for a featured TED Talk.
  12. He will do the talk show circuit and cry on Oprah.
  13. He will open up an orphanage in Beverly Hills dedicated to children of drugged out celebrities.
  14. The other members of Guns N’ Roses, both past and present, will remain obscure and anonymous.

DRAGONE out.

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