This may come as a great shock to my many fans who read my blog regularly, but DRAGONE does not blog 24/7. In fact, I even have a “day job”. Now as you can imagine, with all the money I make blogging, I do not need to be paid to do anything else. My day job is actually just a hobby, something to keep my body and mind active while I rest from my life of words. For I do not believe in sedentary rest, I believe in active rest. I do, however, accept payment for my “day job” so as not to insult my “coworkers”.
During the day DRAGONE, or Mr. DRAGONE as I am formally known, is a Grade 7 teacher. During one of my more lengthy lessons (I do believe it is vital to teach our children the skill of sitting still for at least one hour at a time) — oh it just occurred to me that perhaps they learn this lesson in some of their other classes too – no matter! As I was saying, sitting still for an hour is a good lesson to teach all in of itself. However, I do deliver knowledgeable lessons full of academic rigor, so this really is a double-edged sword of a lesson.
During a recent lesson, one of my more active students (Garrett, who still has much learning to do!), whispered some sort of provocative sweet something into his friend’s ear. And so, to maintain control of my military inspired classroom, I raised my voice to its well-trained intensity of 110 decibels and shouted “SHUT-UP!”. Apparently the other children were somewhat surprised, as they let out a mocking “Ooooooooh”. Also apparently, as was explained to me by little Cindy, “SHUT-UP!” is one of the notorious “bad words” in the English language.
Well this took me by shock. “Awwwww, Cindy! C-mon!” I said to her. First of all, “SHUT-UP!” is in fact two words. Not according to Cindy, who claims that it can be hyphenated. OK, I told her, I will give her that. But a “bad word”? Are you kidding me? I held myself back with only yelling “SHUT-UP!” . I had other thoughts in mind, and what my word-savvy Grade 7s do not know is that I am fully prepared to go to the “getting fired” bad words and bad actions (though I think that I have the self-control to not go to the “going to jail” bad words and bad actions).
So after class, I thought it my duty as a teacher and superior human being to have a little one on one with Garrett. A little heart-to-heart. After all, believe it or not, I was once a little shit disturber like Garrett.
Back when I was in Grade 7, I had great fun terrorizing drivers as well as vandalizing parked cars. During the summer, my friend had this great big chestnut tree in his front yard which was just a few houses away from a major street. We would collect a bunch of these chestnuts and hurl them side-arm, in the style of many famous baseball pitchers, towards cars after they had passed us. Believe it or not, these chestnuts would bounce off the road and roll faster and faster and even catch up to the moving cars. They would then bounce off the cars, randomly, sometimes into the oncoming traffic. It was great fun!
During the winter we would hide behind a small hill, or a big tree, and throw snowballs at the moving cars. The best was when a driver had their window open. Oh the look on their faces as they tried to veer their cars away from skidding into oncoming traffic! Once, during the winter season of shit disturbing, a driver became so angry that he turned his car around and chased us. We ran down side streets, but he drove faster than we could run. Also, my friend could run faster than I could run. As a result, the man ended up catching me. As they say in the boonies, you don’t have to be faster than the bear that is chasing you to avoid being devoured, you just have to be faster than the person running next to you.
The man pulled me into his car and made me take him to my house. He came with me to the door, and when my mother answered, he explained to her that she should punish me severely for being such a bad boy. My mother did in fact yell at me at the top of her voice, chastising me for letting a stranger take me into his car. I promised never to let that happen again. And I also could not stand her yelling at me anymore, so I told her to “SHUT-UP!” From that day forward, I told my mother to “SHUT-UP!” quite often. Such as when she wanted me to clean my room, cut the grass, shower my body, and so on. I can hear myself now just like it was yesterday. “SHUT-UP!!!”, “SHUT-UP!!!”, “SHUT-UP!!!” To me, the term “SHUT-UP!” is not a “bad word”, it is simply what I said to my mother when I wished her to stop talking.
I explained all of this to Garrett. I also explained to him that I understood his disrespectful actions, and that as he grows older he will “mature” into a man. Then I let him in on a secret that all men know, even those that have forgotten it or repressed the knowledge deep into their male psyches. The secret is that as little shit disturbers grow up and “mature”, they become big shit disturbers. However, they learn how to mask their shit disturbing ways. They learn what behavior is acceptable, and when it is acceptable in our society. And when they “mature” into middle aged men, they illegally download the movie “Step Brothers” and watch it over and over again like an infant watching “Teletubbies”. They realize that the characters in “Step Brothers” are what all men are really like, or rather what they would be like if left to act on their own free wills instead of being shackled by societal norms.
This is what its like to be a man, Garrett. But the next time I’m talking, “SHUT THE FUCK UP!”