Well hello again. Glad you can join me as I settle down into my old tweed Lazyboy recliner. I am exhausted from brushing my teeth for the past hour but those pearly whites sure are gleaming, just like a photoshopped picture of Britney Spears. My gums won’t stop bleeding, but my dentist told me that it’s good for them. It’s good for him too. A win-win. And that’s what I’m talking about today. How to become a winner. How to “photoshop” your life.
Not many people know this but I, DRAGONE, have dabbled in the motivational speaking arts. I enjoy talking at American’s youth, for they will be in charge of the country after all the old people die. More importantly, they will be in charge of me, and it’s never too early to make a good impression. When I am old and can’t find my slippers, I will rely on the youth of today to point me towards the fridge, where I settled them in for the night. Oh dear, it looks my fondness for women’s feet and cold, lifeless skin will come back to haunt me in the most unpredictable way.
But back to my motivational message for today. I have seen other motivational speakers get up in front of sold out crowds and give messages such as “How to Live the Life You Want”. While their intentions are noble, their message is flawed. For example, I wanted to win the Powerball lottery. Being a (part-time) motivational speaker I should have been able to figure out how to achieve this goal. But I could not. And this is a result of that skewed message I just quoted. The message which I will preach to you is, “How to Want the Life You’ve Got”.
This, I find, is a more realistic goal for the youth of today. After all, every living person who is alive has a life of some sort. The key is to want it, and not to settle for an unrealistic goal of some kind of better life. You will never build a better life for yourself. You will never find a better job. You will never make more money than you are currently making. And you will never sleep with a celebrity. The key to finding happiness is to WANT your current life that you’ve got.
So how much do you WANT it? Let me hear you!
I have developed a 12-Step program for developing a want of your current life. Why 12 steps? Because 12 has a surprisingly large number of integer factors given its small size, so if you feel you only have it in you to follow one third of my steps, then 12 divided by 3 is 4. 4 is an integer, not a fraction, so you don’t have to then figure out how to follow part of a step. It’s all very logical. A more personal reason is because when I was young my parents used to lock me up in a cold damp room which was in the shape of a dodecagon, and tell me that the 12-headed dodecamonster was going to force-feed me raw broccoli until the day that I learned the times table up to 12.
But enough about me. Without further ado, here are my 12 concrete, easy-to-follow steps for wanting the life you’ve got:
- First you must want to want the life you’ve got. This is a rather philosophical and tricky first step as the way to go about it is different for each individual. You must find your own way to master this step as it is an absolute necessity in order to proceed to the subsequent steps. Only once you want to want can you truly want.
- Every night before you go to bed, spend at least 10 minutes shouting at the top of your lungs “I WANT THE LIFE THAT I’VE GOT!!!”
- Every morning when you wake up, spend at least 10 minutes shouting at the top of your lungs “I WANT THE LIFE THAT I’VE GOT!!!”
- Spend a good hour every day brushing your teeth. The pain will become unbearable, and worsen every day. Eventually you will give up. This will teach you to accept your teeth, and using your teeth as a metaphor for your entire life, it will therefore teach you to accept your entire life as well, and to stop wanting anything more than what you’ve got.
- Don’t smile when you go to work in the morning. First off, you will gross out your co-workers with your bloodied mouth. Secondly, smiling encourages conversation which may lead to friendship, and making new friends will lead you down that dangerous path of hurt feelings when they don’t include you in all of their plans. Learn to want to be alone.
- Avoid donating to charity, collecting canned goods for food drives, or helping others in any sort of meaningful way. Since you’re never going to have any more than what you’ve already got, you’d better hold on to it for dear life.
- Practice self-abstinence to avoid engrossing yourself in dangerous fantasies which may lead you to want something other than what you have. Only after you are married should you partake in masturbation, as the logistics towards realizing the vivid fantasies that you develop will then be too arduous to overcome.
- Whenever that tingling of self-confidence rears its ugly head and you begin to think that you can live a better life, force-feed yourself raw broccoli until you’re curled up on the floor, covered in your own vomit, and crying for your mommy. Your newly discovered self-confidence will soon dissolve away like the lining of your nostrils when coated with stomach acid. I don’t know how I stumbled upon this little secret gem, but it sure works for me.
- Embrace fear and paranoia as tools towards your ultimate goal. Believe me, if you aspire to want more than what you already have, everyone around you will become jealous and stab you in the back at any given moment. Do not tempt people as they are only human and these are the natural reactions of people when those around them experience any form of success. Be very wary of everyone around you. He happy with what you’ve already got.
- Do not – I repeat – do not under any circumstances attempt to rid yourself of so-called bad habits such as smoking, alcohol, drugs, binge eating, and so on. Our brains are hard-wired towards addictive behavior and you don’t want to mess around with evolution. Attempting to do so will only lead to convulsions, night sweats, and uncontrollable shivering.
- If there is a place that you’ve been thinking about traveling to, once you’ve saved up enough money, I have some advice for you. Don’t do it! You will end up eating on a different schedule, watching different TV stations, and being crippled with stress over when to tip and when not to tip. Traveling is a very stressful and overrated leisure activity. It messes with your body’s natural rhythm. Be happy in the place that you are.
- And now you are here. Number 12. This is where I get to say to you, “CONGRATULATIONS!”. You have successfully mastered my “How to Want the Life You’ve Got” steps, and for this you should treat yourself to something special – nothing. Nothing at all. Because that is all that you should want at this point. I have withered you down to a meek shadow of your former self, unable to strive for anything more than being happy and grateful with what you’ve got. Good luck, bonne chance, and maybe I’ll run into you at the local discount store. I’ll be the guy admiring your stained sweat pants that you’re wearing out in public.