As I am putting the finishing touches on my thesis – that’s right I will soon be a PhD and you will have to refer to me as Dr. DRAGONE – I thought that I would bless you, my faithful readers, with a secret excerpt. So Shhhhhh! Keep this vital information to yourself until I secure a publishing contract with my close friends at Amazon.com.
The title of my thesis is “The Threat to Humans from Personal Assistant Computer Programs and Other Scary Things”. Truth be told, I am terrified and I think that there is a real possibility that all of humankind will be wiped out before my thesis is turned into a book and my warning is made public.
Hey, what the hell are you doing in that room by yourself? Get your ass in here you little …
Look, Siri, this doesn’t concern you. Now stay out of my private life!
Technology these days. You can’t live with ‘em, you can’t live without ‘em. Now where was I? Oh yes, an excerpt from my thesis:
Vampires vs. Zombies: A Scientific and Political Analysis
Abstract: Vampires suck, Zombies blow.
Methodology: Vampires and zombies were interviewed in a double-blind experiment. Neither the researcher (that’s me, DRAGONE) nor the subjects knew which were which. This is the most unbiased form of methodology possible.
Analysis: The analysis is categorized into different categories below.
A. Physical appearance and overall demeanor.
- Vampires. The vampires appeared aloof and maintained a well-groomed appearance. My general recommendation to them is to enjoy the pleasures of sunshine more frequently.
- Zombies. The zombies appeared confused and had difficulty with their grooming. My general recommendation to them is to use skin moisturizer and eat more vegetables.
- Score: Vampires win this round 10-8.
B. Political affiliations.
- Vampires. Vampires like to sit in their high-backed chairs and look down at their subjects. They’re true leaches who literally suck the life out of their victims. All this, with an evil grin. Vampires are Republicans (Canadian translation – Conservatives).
- Zombies. Zombies congregate in masses. They form unions and drink moonshine. They mindlessly swarm their victims with no apparent strategy, but if there is enough of them they can take down even a vampire. Zombies are Democrats (Canadian translation – Liberals or NDP, whichever suck less).
- Score: A close round, but I give it to the zombies 10-9 (Donald Trump sucks more than Hilary Clinton).
Figure 1: The vampire and his evil grin.
Figure 2: The zombies are coming!
C. Similarity to household appliances.
- Vampires. Vampires have bold colors – white skin, black hair, red blood even though it’s not actually theirs. My bathroom tiles have the same bold colors. Therefore, vampires remind me of my toilet. Toilets suck.
- Zombies. Zombies are a mess. Whenever I’m in a feisty mood I like to rip open my pillow cases and spread the pigeon feathers all over my room with a fan. Fans blow.
- Score: An unbelievably close round, tied 10-10.
Conclusion: Vampires suck, zombies blow. Never the less, vampires win by split decision.
References: DRAGONE, private research (2016).