“It’s hard to make predictions, especially about the future.”
Early this morning I was gazing deep into my microwave oven, and you know what I saw? I saw a scene of bloody mayhem. Well actually it was my breakfast of SpaghettiOs in ketchup sauce spurting and boiling over. But as I gazed deeper into those microwaves of radiation, I saw the future. And it was the future of Donald Trump and Sarah Palin.
The future that I saw was one of bloody mayhem. It was a future of a failed Presidential run, failed dubious business ventures, and a failed relationship. My editors tell me that I should write down the details in case future historians would like to research this scholarly article of future prediction. So in case you’re interested in the details of my microwave vision, here they are:
- Shortly after Sarah Palin came out of hiding to endorse Donald Trump the two held a secret meeting at a Hooters restaurant somewhere in America. They shared intimate details of how much they admired each other. They looked into each other’s eyes and contemplated having sex. But they are both old and found that they just couldn’t get that old magic working.
- Instead they began thinking of other equally satisfying ventures to do together. Sarah suggested starting a pornographic empire, and so they sent their people off to collect information.
- The results from focus groups showed that this venture would hurt Donald’s political numbers, so they gave up on the porn idea.
- Then Donald suggested that they begin a gun smuggling operation to arm Mexicans with the most sophisticated weaponry that the U.S. government can make. This would then be used against the Mexicans as further reason to build a wall between the two countries.
- Sarah vetoed the idea as it would come off as looking illegal.
- Another “secret” meeting was held at a Hooters restaurant somewhere in America. Only this one was organized by the C.I.A. who hired Tina Fey to play Sarah Palin.
- During this meeting a Hooters waitress recognized Tina Fey and asked for an autograph. Donald was confused for a split second, but only a split second.
- This same waitress then suggested that the two of them should run for office together. Donald Trump for President and Tina Fey for VP. Donald loved the idea, and started calling Tina Fey Tina, not understanding why but thinking it was cute.
- Tina Fey continued her role for the entire Presidential campaign.
- Sarah Palin was bought off by the C.I.A. to keep quiet. She accepted a large lump sum of cash and a family set of skidoos.
- In order not to raise anyone’s suspicions, especially Donald’s, Sarah Palin did the occasional segment on Saturday Night Live playing the role of Tina Fey.
- Tina Fey collected copious amounts of clandestine information on Donald Trump, including but not limited to, keeping a secret army of Mexican cleaning ladies locked in his basement, baking hash brownies to calm down his hyperactive grandchildren, and lying about his toupee.
- Donald Trump was scandalized, arrested, and sent to a prison for the rich and famous.
- He became insatiably lonely and wrote letters to Martha Stewart who eventually befriended him. After several visits Donald proposed, Martha accepted, and they married and lived happily ever after baking hash brownies for the grandkids for years to come.