PHONY Stubble

big phony

I’m talking about manly stubble here.  Not female stubble, although that’s a different issue (kind of like male breasts).  And when I say “manly stubble” I want to distinguish that from the phony stubble that some men grow.

That’s right – phony stubble!  The world is full of phonies, and some of these phonies keep stubble on their faces and pretend that they have something that the real stubble-growing men have.  Or maybe they’re not even pretending.  Maybe they are basking in their well-groomed scruff.  Scruff that by its very nature is not meant to be groomed.


And why do these phonies grow and maintain their fake stubble?  Well, maybe the “top definition” according to Urban Dictionary will give us a clue:


The wonderful, deliciously sexy facial hair only real, wonderful, deliciously sexy men get when they haven’t shaved in a few days. Many women find it incredibly preferable.

Girl: Have you seen the new guy? He’s so hot.
Boy: I don’t get what the big deal is.
Girl: It’s his stubble. Maybe girls would like you if you were man enough to have some.

woman staring at ufc fighter


The reason women like stubble is because it exudes a certain attitude.  An independence and confidence that doesn’t give self-value based on what other people think.  It says, “I don’t have to shave to impress you.”

It also revels in laziness.  “I’M LAZY!” That’s right men – take back that word and use it against them.  Use it as a source of power.  Be lazy, be proud!   Laziness says, “Sure, I’ll get that report in sir, but only after I’ve had my coffee and read the comics section in the paper.”  It says, “Yes I can see that the grass is long, but I don’t care what the neighbors think.  I’ll cut it later.”

That’s what women want – a confident and independent man.  And society has subconsciously taught women that a man with stubble is that kind of a man.

fat stublle

Except now we have the phonies, who want to look manly but in reality they spend more time grooming their stubble than they would shaving!  Here’s a tip from Men’s Health to legitimize their phony ways:


  1. To achieve the perfect five o’clock shadow, use an adjustable beard trimmer with the built-in guard all the way back, says celebrity facial hair stylist Craig the Barber. (Clipperswith a No. 1 guard work, too).


Wow, there’s such a thing as a celebrity facial hair stylist?  Craig the Barber?  No match for Brutus the Barber Beefcake I’ll bet!

brutus the barber

Ok, so maybe Brutus the Barber Beefcake isn’t the best example that I can use here, but he sure brings back good memories!

I love my stubble.  I grow it for a week until it gets itchy, and then I shave it off.  Very low maintenance as stubble is meant to be.  I only worry that as I grow old I will look funny.  Have you ever seen old people with stubble?

scary old man stubble

It’s not a pretty sight.  But maybe that’s because old people grew up in a time when stubble was not a thing.  Men were either clean-shaven or bearded.  Who knows how they got from one to the other – maybe they hid in the basement for a month.  So today’s old people (except for George Clooney) do not have stubble because they never got used to it.  They don’t know what it feels like to be able to scratch the back of your hand, or the front of your shoulder, with a mere facial gesture whenever that itch beckons.

Here’s to hoping that when I grow old there will be others like me, stubbly old men, so I don’t look like an old alcoholic.



Hi Mr. DRAGONE, I was wondering if you will ever discuss moustaches — Corporal Tom from Iowa.

Thanks for your letter Corporal.  I assume you are talking about moustaches on men, not on women or teenage boys or pre-teenage Indian boys and girls.  I hate men’s moustaches because they’re ugly, plain and simple.  Except for the really big manly ones.


Mr. DRAGONE, can a bald man pull off stubble? – Baldy from Boston.

Well Mr. Baldy, yes indeed a bald man can pull off stubble if and only if he keeps his bald head stubbly at the same time.  Keep the two stubbles synchronized.  Never alternate.  You do run the risk of looking too phony, but if you’re genuine in your heart about the dual stubble then that’s all that matters.


Mr. DRAGONE, I like a clean shaven man.  I find that a smooth man shows the world that he is sensitive, yet tough and disciplined (as long as he has a firm jaw line).  What do you think? – Ginger

Thank you for your insights, Miss Ginger.  You also remind me of Gilligan’s Island, and in particular Gilligan.  Thank you for that as well.  As for your question, I think that I have already stated my thoughts on the subject of smooth versus prickly.  As for the firm jaw line, I think you’ve been watching too many soap operas.  Toughness comes from the inside of a man, not the outside.  And to all my readers, if I’ve contradicted myself anywhere in this blog, believe me when I say that it was completely unintentional.



DRAGONE critiques news, entertainment, sports, fashion, and love. He also has ADD, but that is irrelevant.
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2 Responses to PHONY Stubble

  1. Dan Hen says:

    Oh, I think you’re in dangerous territory when you say what women want and why . Anyway , as an old man with on-and-off stubble : it’s all good .

    Liked by 1 person

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