I woke up this morning very excited. It is the dawn of the sequel to one of the greatest movies ever made, Zoolander. To be honest, I begged Hollywood to make a sequel to Stepbrothers instead, but Zoolander will definitely do as a close second.
But then, out of nowhere, an ugly word creeped into my mind – exploitation. Hilarious as the Zoolander movie is, it capitalizes on one of society’s most weak and vulnerable populations – the underpaid and undernourished male model. The real life zoolanders.
And so my natural high this morning fizzled away from the movie Zoolanders, and focused towards the lives of the real zoolanders. Right away, I knew what I had to do. I went online and booked my round-the-world tour of the most talented male models that have ever graced this Earth. The world must know about the plight of the real zoolanders!
I caught a morning flight to Paris and met with model Jean-Claude van Dame along with his partner Verge. They were doing a publicity stunt with some of the victims of the recent terror attacks there and were kind enough to pose for me in front of the Eiffel Tower.
As noted by van Dame, the bloody attacks is inspiring a new avant-garde look. Blood chic I believe was the term he used.
I raced back to the airport and caught a flight to Zambia where Viktor Knochig was holding a free seminar for some of the orphaned youth there. As he is so familiar with body image issues faced by teenagers he gave the youth his step-by-step guide to extreme dieting. Wearing tight, constrictive clothing in order to make yourself severely uncomfortable is a key component.
Well, no time to be awestruck by his generosity to Third World countries – onward I must march. Back to the airport, and this time my destination was Soviet Russia where I encountered the great Vladimir Drochit. He is a true believer in his product and wears his ammunition chic everywhere – to the local butcher shop, the local bread line, and the local Pussy Riot tribute band concert. Vlad does not speak English and he had a falling out with his translator (who hasn’t been seen or heard from in over a week). Vlad drinks heavily and makes only subtle gestures with his face. I was told by his ex-translator that he is a great humanitarian. I’m not sure why exactly.
Anyways, a quick ferry boat to my final stop, Copenhagen, and a good afternoon to Mr. Schoudervulling! We met at a small coffee shop where it took him half an hour to shuffle sideways through the narrow doorway. As he sipped his espresso he lectured me on his country’s suicide epidemic and how, as a celebrity, he feels the burden of responsibility of this tragedy on his broad shoulders. He lamented about his neck cramps and sciatica, and how difficult it is to find a masseuse with a massage table wide enough for him.
I am truly humbled and awed by these heroes, these real life zoolanders. I rushed to the airport to take the next flight home, and here I am typing up my day’s travails for you to read. Please think about these men as you enjoy the Zoolander sequel coming soon to a theatre near you.