In the lunchroom today a coworker was saying that “The Watch” is one of the best movies that she’s ever seen. I almost shit my pants. I sharted in fact. “The Watch” is one of the only awful movies that Ben Stiller is in. I love Ben Stiller. But I could not bring myself to finish watching “The Watch”. It was soooooooo incredibly boooooooring.
I so passionately disagreed with my coworker that it got me all riled up for the rest of my day. But it also got me thinking about the good Ben Stiller movies, and that made me laugh all day too. What a day! A day which encompassed DRAGONE’s full range of emotions! (I am sad to say that sadness is not an emotion which I have yet developed.)
The great Ben Stiller movies are so great because of a variety of hilarious characters, not just the ones played by Ben Stiller. Here is my Top Ten list for the funniest lines in Ben Stiller movies:
- Never go full retard. (Tropic Thunder). What a great acting philosophy! You see, going half-retard allows actors to connect with their audience and at the same time be “retarded” (eccentric, funny, idiotic, etc.). Ben Stiller in fact epitomizes this philosophy in his good movies. The character went on to explain how Tom Hanks won an Oscar (I think he did?) for going half-retard with Forrest Gump, but Sean Penn did not get any credit for his role in “I Am Sam” where he went – you guessed it – full retard!
- If you can dodge a wrench you can dodge a ball. (Dodgeball). Every kid who plays dodgeball, in other words every kid, quotes this line. The dodgeball coach who delivered this line then goes on to throw wrenches at his players, which are emphatically unsuccessfully dodged. OUCH! I’m very tempted to go out and purchase a set of rubber lookalike wrenches just so I can re-enact this scene. Lord help me, I can’t stop laughing!
- I’ll be watching you. (Meet The Parents). Said with a two finger point from the father-in-law’s eyes to the son-in-law. I personally use this quote, fingers and all, on a daily basis. In fact you don’t even have to say anything, just the finger gesture does the trick.
- I’m a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude. (Tropic Thunder). This quote, from a movie about a movie. How in God’s name can this sort of Matrix mind-fuck exist in a comedy? An absolutely hilarious comedy. I could give 10 quotes just from this movie alone!
- I’m not an ambi-turner. It’s a problem I had since I was a baby. I can’t turn left. (Zoolander). Poor Zoolander can only turn right. He can’t turn left. He must feel like a car trapped in a crazy maze of one-way streets. I haven’t yet gone to see the sequel. I’m scared it’s not as good as the original (and how many sequels do measure up to the originals?). I will see it soon. I must.
- What is that on your ear? Is that …. hair gel? (There’s Something About Mary). I went to see this movie with my girlfriend at the time who thought this scene was ridiculous. She had never been with a guy who could … ummmmm … project so forcefully. Needless to say she was a new girlfriend and I hadn’t had sex with her yet (heh heh).
- Are you reading the dictionary? (Dodgeball). White Goodman was, in fact, pretending to be reading the dictionary because he was trying to trick the woman of his dreams into thinking that he was smart. He thought it worked. It didn’t. But the line worked, alongside his bravado. It was tres humorous!
- I tried to fart and a little shit came out. I just sharted. (Along Came Polly). This is one of those times where a new word became instantly invented. Probably only guys get this (and possibly all the quotes on this list). But now, when this happens to me, rather than having to explain this awkward little situation in anguishing detail I simply use this single word. Ha!
- Spike the ball, Focker! (Meet The Parents). And spike he did, breaking the nose of his sister-in-law while he was trying to prove how much of a man he was, despite being a male nurse. I’m a teacher and I’ve played my share of volleyball games alongside other teachers, against the students. Us teachers want to win. Shit happens. I understand.
- This head movie makes my eyes rain. (Tropic Thunder). Is he going full-retard or half-retard? Hard to say, but that tearful metaphor sure turned on the eye faucets of his jungle captors. A movie of a movie where the lead character is re-enacting a scene from another movie. I don’t want to think about that, because that makes my whole head rain. I mean pain. I’d just rather laugh at the scene.
Well I may have been a bit biased towards some of my own favorite Ben Stiller movies, but what the hell. It is my list after all!