I understand that some of you down South of the border are considering moving up North, given your choices of Presidential candidates. Hey, I can’t say I blame you. But before you make the big move, there are a few things you’ll have to take into consideration.
Yes, it will be easy to move to Canada. Just smile at the border guard and he’ll let you in. The trick is to blend in once you’re here. I know you think that we Canadians are just like you, only more polite. But we don’t think that, so unless you make an effort, you won’t blend in.
- Hockey is God. It doesn’t matter if the local team sucks (and they all do in Canada). Baseball and basketball are fun distractions, but that’s all they are. Understand that mentality.
- Real Canadians drink Tim Horton’s coffee. Not because it’s good, because it’s what we do. If you come to work with a Starbucks your co-workers will think you’re gay. But that’s ok, because everyone in Canada likes gays. It’s just that people will think that you are gay. And if you are gay, everyone is ok with that. And gays are real Canadians too. I’ve confused myself now, so on to number 3 …
- If it snows, don’t panic. Leave yourself 10 minutes extra time to get to work. Drive slightly slower, and slightly farther away from the person in front of you. If you start skidding pump on your brakes really fast and turn in the direction you want to go. Don’t buy winter tires, they may prevent you from skidding. Skidding is fun.
- You know that stereotype where every sentence ends with “EH?” Well it’s true. Do it.
- You know that stereotype where “about” is pronounced “aboot”? Well it’s false. Don’t do it. Unless you’ve found yourself in Newfoundland. I can think of no further helpful advice to you if that’s where you’ve found yourself.
- We have a love/hate relationship with Don Cherry. You either love him or you hate him. At any rate, everyone knows who he is. (He’s like the Donald Trump of hockey announcers).
- We are polite. Too polite. Is it sincere? Sort of. It matters to us how people treat each other. Even if it’s kind of superficial.
- We know more about you than you know about us. So beware ….. HA HA HAAAAAA