I posted this once before, but since it’s PIE day today, here it is again. I give myself full permission to repost.
Friends, neighbors, acquaintances, and therapists — last night I had a dream.
I had a dream that an alien spaceship descended from the stars above and lowered itself ever so gently to within a foot above my three foot-long flowering stalks of grass in my backyard. A plain grey door, previously camouflaged by the smooth, grey cylindrical ship, tilted upwards as tension inducing mood music filled the background. A pale, hairless alien with big bug-eyes hovered out of the door with arms stretched open in a gesture of peace.
It occurred to me, in my dream, that this scene played out just like I’ve seen it play out in countless movies, and that the alien looked just like the sketches made from first-hand accounts of genuine UFO abductees. Surely this can’t be a coincidence, my dream-self thought. These very same aliens have been here before, and they have not only visited secluded and “eccentric” common folk, but they have taken the trouble to meet with Hollywood producers and lend them their sound tracks.
The innocuous alien leader spoke to me without even opening an orifice, so far as I could tell. It explained to me that at that very moment, thousands of their ships were visiting thousands of backyards, and that their mission was one of peaceful exploration. It told me that they would return, and that I should look forward to some delicious pumpkin pie upon their next visit. How did It know that pumpkin pie is my favorite meal of all-time?
My dream-self was skeptical. I ran over to my neighbor’s house, the neighbor that I have hated ever since he cut down the tree from my yard which was overhanging on his property. We had become enemies ever since that dreaded chain saw incident. He too witnessed the alien invasion and so we spent the night huddled together in his secret basement bunker, playing cards and drinking Kool-Aid.
Friends, neighbors, acquaintances, and therapists — last night I had a dream. I had a dream that this great nation of ours, in fact that the entire world, rose up united. I had a dream that on the red hills of Georgia, Democrats and Republicans sat down together at the table of brotherhood. I had a dream that black men and white men, Jews and gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, terrorists and cartoon satirists, came together and joined hands, exchanged WiFi passwords, and opened up their entire arsenals of weapons to each other. Last night I had a dream that all of humanity had finally bonded together in the face of an alien invasion, and began preparing for an intergalactic war, together.
But within this dream, my dream-self had a dream. And in that dream, when the aliens returned with their pumpkin pies, all of humanity came together to welcome them with open arms. In that dream, not only was global peace finally achieved, but intergalactic peace as well. Humans and aliens converged onto fields all over the world, joined hands, and played Red Rover.
In that dream, the alien representative explained to us (again, without opening any obvious orifices) that they had visited Earth before. Thousands of years ago, when humans were on the verge of brutally wiping out the Neanderthals over jealousy that their men were dating our women, the aliens had saved them. They brought the Neanderthals to Mars and set up a colony for them in a biosphere that they had built.
The reason for saving the Neanderthals and interfering with Earth’s natural selection process, It explained, was that the Neanderthals evolved to be a very special species. Though their physical appearance was rather brutish, their intellectual and imaginative abilities had evolved to a new dimension. Their brains acquired the capability (which was present in only an alien tentacle-like “hand”-ful of intergalactic species) of understanding the true nature of God and the universe.
Our brains, It explained, were not capable of this level of comprehension. As an analogy It compared our attempts to understand such philosophical queries with a dog attempting to understand poetry. The Neanderthals, by rights, should have kept us humans as pets and taken us to parks where we could run, play ball, and poo on the field. The Neanderthals would then be responsible for collecting and disposing of our feces.
At that moment I woke up from my dream within a dream, and a split second later from my dream. Apparently I was falling out of my bed and onto my dirty laundry. My stinky undergarments cushioned my head as it hit the floor.
What a crazy dream, I thought, and an even crazier dream within a dream. Is it possible that the aliens planted these dreams into my head? Let me go check the kitchen for pumpkin pie.