Recently some academic know-it-alls announced that highly processed meat, such as bacon, causes cancer. Well I’ve got news for you egg-heads — everything causes cancer! Smoking, nuclear reactor meltdowns, biological weapons, …. and now add bacon to the list.
Well the average citizen will not stand for this conspiracy! In the U.S. the NRA (National Rifle Association) has convinced enough people that guns are not toxic to their health, the same way that bacon apparently is. So I think we should form an organization, the National Bacon Association (NBA). I think that abbreviation may already be taken. No matter.
We can use the same arguments that the NRA have made for their cause of keeping their guns, but instead we want to keep our bacon. For example:
- NRA: If everyone was required to carry a gun, then you would be less likely to pull out a gun on someone else. NBA: If everyone was required to carry bacon, then you would be less likely to pull out your own bacon on someone else.
- NRA: Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. NBA: Bacon doesn’t kill people, pigs kill people.
- NRA: The 2nd Amendment says that all citizens have a right to bear arms. NBA: All citizens have a right to bear bacon.
- NRA: Cars kill more people than guns do. NBA: Cars kill more people than pigs do.
Sounds great, so let’s take this to Capitol Hill and turn it into a law, or however this shit works.