I am sad to inform you that David Letterman has morphed into a homeless man. This is a picture courtesy of CNN, which as everyone knows wouldn’t report anything unless a majority of its viewers believe it to be true.
This man, this shapeshifter, gave me such pleasure during my university years. I could tribute him with a Top Ten list, but that is so blogger cliché. I am instead tributing him with another of his famous segments, Viewer Mail. I guess in my case it’s Reader Mail, but that just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
I instructed my vigilant staff to rummage through the dumpsters of mail that I throw out daily, and to retrieve the most Lettermanesque ones.
Hey DRAGONE, how can you possibly have bins full of Viewer Mail, or Reader Mail, or whatever you want to call it? I’ll bet you have 3 emails in your inbox, tops. No one knows your actual mailing address, so you don’t have any actual mail. This is so stupid. Your blog is so stupid. Are you for real? Just curious, Bob.
Dear Bob, I thank you for your well written and thought provoking question. But please allow me to turn your question around and ask this of you: How is it possible that you can write a letter to me if I don’t receive any mail? I await your answer with great anticipation, curiosity, and trepidation. I hope you do as well.
Dear Mr. DRAGONE, how do you correctly pronounce your name? Yours, Zsa Zsa
Thank you for asking, Mr./Ms. Z. Phonetically, my name is pronounced DRAH-GONE. Emphasis on the first syllable. But very important — my name must be said with great vigor. Think of a UFC announcer introducing a champion fighter. Also, the R has a heavy Eastern European roll.
Hello Mr. DRAGONE. I have enjoyed reading your blog and was going to “like” your Facebook page, but then I noticed that you have zero “likes” so I decided not to. Why do you have zero “likes”? Brad from Baltimore.
Hello Mr. Baltimore. I very much encourage you to “like” my page. Do you think that the first Sherpa who climbed Mt. Everest looked around and thought to himself “why has no one else climbed this mountain before? Is this mountain not worthy enough to climb?” Of course not! In fact, the most difficult of life’s accomplishments are the ones which have not been done before. Be the first, Brad. You can do it!
You recently posted a thorough investigation of whether Mixed Martial Arts is real or fake. What about all martial arts in general — real or fake?
I am a firm believer that real men and women only fight bare-chested, not pajama-clad. Obviously, that answers that question.
What about the assassination of John F. Kennedy — real or fake?
I think that we should ask the main suspect for this case, Marilyn Monroe. Unfortunately she is dead, and has buried her Victoria secrets with her.
The assassination of Justin Bieber — real or fake?
I think that we should ask the main suspect for this case, Billy Ray Cyrus. Unfortunately, he is busy doling out time-outs to his daughter Hannah Montana, and has simply forgotten where he was last year.
Mr. DRAGONE, you amuse me. You make me laugh. Thank you. But I have a strange fetish. I enjoy being sad. Can you help me? — Dark Raven.
Well, Dark, can I call you Dark? I sense that you are a very sensitive person. Perhaps a tad emo? Did you know that the Japanese experimented on emos, trying to figure out what makes them so sad, and accidentally invented emoji? Emoji are very happy creatures. I would recommend that you purchase one as a pet.
Hey DRAGONE, my buddy and I have a bet. He says that Smart cars are so small that you could fit 30 of them in a plane. I say that you can’t. What do you say? – Eric
Unfortunately, Eric, your bud-bud is right. Let me explain to you how small Smart cars are by using some familiar objects. The size of a Smart car compared to the island of Jamaica is approximately in the same ratio as an atomic nucleus compared to an electron’s orbit. And everyone knows that atoms are very small!
Thank you all for such emotion provoking questions, and keep them coming. Happy Easter!