Hey guys, being a man in the 21st Century is hard. You’re told that you have to be sensitive, and yet still be a man. You’re expected to pull your share with the housework and child care, and yet still be a man. You’re supposed to just sit there, listen intently, and participate in conversation while your favorite sports team is playing on TV. I know. I can sympathize. That’s because I’m not just a blogger, I’m a man too.
Listen, YOU know that you’re great. YOU know that you’re a real catch. YOU know that any woman would be lucky to date you. YOU know all of this because all of your ex-girlfriends have told you so early on in your relationships.
So how do you tell all of this to a stranger on an Internet dating site? Well that part is easy, you can just write it down like I did. What’s more difficult is to convey your complexity in pictures that don’t have words (unless you wish to use memes). A picture is worth 1000 words, so it better be a really good picture, right?
To lead you through this maze of online dating profile pictures, I have compiled for you, the dating man, some helpful hints along with examples of pics that I’m sure have worked for these guys, just like mine have worked for me. I know that these tips have worked for me because of analytics. I’ve been on so many dates and began so many relationships that I’ve lost count. We’re talking big numbers here folks. These tips have worked.
Tip # 1. Pose with your car. Nothing screams success like a picture of you with your brand spanking new sports car, all oiled up and hosed down. As you know, the number one thing that women are looking for is a successful man who knows how to flaunt it. Lean back on your car. Relax. You’ve earned it. And since your car is shiny and clean, why not shine up and clean the ol’ bod and show that off too?
Tip # 2. If you don’t own a car there’s always Photoshop. Technology these days is amazing. No one will be able to tell the difference. The only trick is to get the sizes to match up. You know, if the car is too small or too big then it looks just kinda off. And while you’re at it, you can Photoshop your bod too. Heck, even put on a new face for yourself. Just don’t get too carried away or your lady won’t recognize you on your first date. By the way, I just love the photoshopped dandelions in the picture.
Tip # 3. Show a fun and sexy pic of you with your ex. Make that profile pic sizzle. The hotter and sexier, the better. Show her how happy she would be, if only she could be the one that makes you want to take out your camera and snap a selfie. Make her want to be that woman in the pic. Make her want to want you, just like you want her to. Make her want to be your ex.
Tip # 4. Man buns are sexy. As if I need to teach you what sexy looks like. A man bun is the opposite of a Yamaka bald spot, which is obviously very unsexy. A man bun smells like hot yoga in candlelight. Hot and sweaty yoga, dripping and burning wax. Or sculpting clay on a pottery wheel. If Patrick Swayze made the movie Ghost today, he would be sporting one big and scraggly man bun.
Tip # 5. Show yourself having fun with your buddies. Internet dating still has that faint lingering reputation of attracting loners who sit all day in front of their computer screens in their parents’ basements. To erase any doubt that you are a sociable guy who has loads of buddies to hang out with, put a picture like this on your profile. Just think how much fun this guy had before he heaved all over himself and had to be carried out by his homies.
Tip # 6. If you’ve got muscles, show them off. Check out the lats on Arnold here. Nice pecs too. Unfortunately the man in the picture is only 4’9”, but you get the point. What’s more manly than muscles, Persian rugs, pale purple wallpaper, and a 1970s fro? Well lots of things, but muscles are the take away point from this profile picture.
Tip # 7. Sunglasses are cool. If you wear sunglasses, then you are cool. If you undo the top 3 buttons of your shirt, then you are not only cool, but you are downright sexy. If your unbuttoned shirt reveals hair as thick as a bear’s fur, then you are not only cool and sexy, but you’re a hairy bear. It’s a niche look and not for everyone.
Tip # 8. Superman T-shirts are cool. If you wear one, then you are cool. If you have the unfortunate bad luck of being born with a scrawny body combined with a lack of willingness to work out, then a Superman T-shirt can add 10 pounds of muscle to your body. The only thing is, you’ve got to own your Superman. Don’t be scared of the power you will yield when you put on the Superman T-shirt. People will look to YOU whenever there’s a decision that needs to be made. The waiter at a restaurant will ask YOU to order for the entire party. Police officers will stand back and let YOU take down the gunman.
Tip # 9. Show them the $$$. That’s right, show them the money. How does your date know that you’re the CEO? Just cuz you say you are? Talk is just that, talk. But if you show her a stack of bills, then she knows you’re for real. Because that’s what rich guys do. They carry hundreds if not thousands of dollars on them at all times, just in case there’s a power outage and the credit card machine doesn’t work. And also for tipping servants. Have you ever tipped a valet driver 100 bucks? Well I have, and brother does it ever feel good. My Toyota Corolla gets the best damn VIP parking spot ever paved.
Well that’s enough tips for you guys, for now. Next up, watch out for my tips for the ladies.