Blogging Tips For Newbies

bloggingHello fellow newbie bloggers.  Being a beginner blogger myself, I feel particularly qualified to give advice on blogging since I am currently in the midst of making all of the same mistakes that you are.  If I wait until I figure them all out then I will have forgotten what they were in the first place.  With this strategy in mind, here are my blogging tips for you, the newbie blogger.

  1. Make sure that you have a personable profile picture. Make it your real face – people want to know who is behind the provocative and inflammatory words that they are reading.  Also, use your actual name, not some sort of stupid pseudonym that elicits an image that you have delusionally carved out for yourself, right “Thor Jackhammer” ?
  2. Do try to be provocative and insulting. Nobody wants to read a boring blog.  People enjoy laughing at themselves just as much as you enjoy laughing at them, so throw all political correctness out your fat ass and insult away.
  3. Do not, under any circumstance, read other people’s blogs. You will lose all sense of creativity and subconsciously copy someone else’s style.  Be your own blogger.  Besides, reading is the exact opposite to writing, and as a result your writing neurons will atrophy.
  4. Timing is everything. As the weather gets warmer people are probably going to get tired of going outdoors every weekend and will end up indoors, in a dark room, in front of their laptops.  Or perhaps they will stay in bed all day glued to their mobile devices.  So in the summertime especially, post your blogs on weekends.
  5. Pictures are worth a thousand words. Who the hell has time to read a thousand words when they can already see the title of the next blog in a nice big font?  Ditch the pictures.
  6. Use as many tags as WordPress will allow. At least one for each letter of the alphabet as every writer has their own favorite letter that they like to start words with.  You can cheat with X since it’s such a tough one, e.g.  “ex-wives”, “exhumation”, excetera.
  7. Never respond to comments. It shows weakness and vulnerability, and your competition will rip you apart and feed you to the pigeons.  Your remnants will be decomposed by earthworms.
  8. Like in love, always end your blog with your signature move. It makes them want to come back for more.

DRAGONE out.

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