Dear LeBron,

I am so sorry for your loss.  Or rather two losses, to the Toronto Raptors.  I know, it’s just not fair. You were supposed to win the championship in 16 games.  The refs told you they’d have your back, and they did.  They refused to call any fouls on you or your teammates until the third quarter.  But they can’t score buckets for you.  You do have to do some of it yourself.

LeBron, your biceps are so large.  I don’t understand how your biceps could have possibly allowed the Toronto Raptors to outplay you and outhustle you as they did.  Are the Toronto Raptors blind?  Did they not see how big your biceps are?  I just don’t understand.

LeBron, I am also sorry that you have to listen to Drake chirp you all game long.  It must be so humiliating, since he’s more famous than you.  I am so very, very sorry for your suffering.  It’s going to really suck being you when you lose to the Raptors in your own backyard.

Oh, and our big guy, Jonas Valanciunas, who by the way is bigger and a whole lot better than you, is ready to play.  But he probably won’t because Bismack is whooping your butt like it’s a djembe drum.  But just in case he has an off night, get ready for Jonas.

It must suck to be you right now.  Sorry LeBron.

DRAGONE out.