How **NOT** To Pick Up Women At the Gym

Borat 2As you all may have guessed by now, I have always fancied myself a rather accomplished amateur bodybuilder.  I was really into it for a while.  And let me tell you, the strict regimen is grueling to say the least.  Every day taking copious amounts of vitamins such as stanozolol, anadrol, testosterone, and so on.  Keeping track of doses.  Oh my gosh I’m getting anxious just thinking about those days now.  And then, after doing this for the better part of a year, another bodybuilder told me that I needed to supplement my vitamins with weight training.  Well that was just too much for me, so I quit.  Cold turkey.

However, I still joined a gym.  Not to weight train per se, but as a means of improving my social life.  I was growing tired of the same old comic book store scene.  I was running into the same women no matter which comic book store I went into.  So I thought maybe I could pick up women at the gym.  At first this seemed like a long shot to me, but boy was I ever wrong.  And as a service to you, my readers, DRAGONE will now reveal his most guarded secrets in picking up women at the gym.

How To Pick Up Women at the Gym

  1. As with any activity at the gym you must begin with a warm-up. Begin by staring at the woman of your choice.  But do not stare directly at her as I found this not to work so well.  The gym has mirrors.  Use them to your advantage.  However, even if you stare at a woman through one mirror, I have found that they are onto the basic geometry involved.  You must use a combination of at least 2 mirrors.  That way the direction of your stare will be sufficiently masked.  The image of your woman in the mirror will now be tiny, so you should bring a pair of small binoculars with you. You might also want to slap on an Elmer Fudd hat to put you in the proper frame of mind.
  1. If you happen to be well-endowed then, by all means, show off what you’ve got. Wear tight spandex shorts without underwear to the gym every day.  Pick a woman who is working out in a reclining position, such as the bench press, and offer to spot her.  From her position she will have no choice but to see for herself the magnitude of your masculinity.  You are sure to get lucky if you do this.
  1. You the man.  You Tarzan, she Jane.
  1. Women love a man’s sweat. It has something to do with pheromones.  So do not shower before going to the gym and wear a tank top or muscle shirt, thus exposing your underarms.   This will  allow the pheromones to follow you around like the imported flies on Sally Struthers doing a commercial for ChildFund International.
  1. Do work up a good sweat until your muscles shine like a greased up turkey. If your body does not like to sweat, supplement with Mazola Vegetable Oil (sorry about the commercial plug).  If you run into a woman who you’ve already met before, don’t be afraid to touch her with your slicked up skin.  Maybe even a hello hug.  Let her know that you’re not one of those social gym rats — you take your work outs seriously.
  1. If you’re on the treadmill program it to the lowest possible setting. Hang out there for a while, then when a pretty woman walks by ramp it up to full tilt.  She will be floored by the great shape that she thinks you’re in, and you will be training on a random hill setting without having to program it into the machine.
  1. If a woman is wearing loose fitted clothing there is only one possible reason for this.  She is ashamed of her body.  Be sensitive.  Let her know that you sympathize with her condition, and don’t be afraid to offer her some helpful advice on dieting or work out tips.  She will appreciate your honesty and helpfulness.  Maybe you can even suggest going out on a date, perhaps some “Netflix and chill”.  When doing this I find that the added touch of speaking with a Russian accent warms her up to you even more.

DRAGONE out.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Humor and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to How **NOT** To Pick Up Women At the Gym

  1. Wow Dragone, all of us ladies are swooning just reading this.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. How am I supposed to trust guys I meet at the gym now?! Wait I don’t go to the gym 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Quirky Girl says:

    Ya know, the oil-greased, binocular-clad Elmer Fudd in spandex sounds like the stuff of nightmares. 😛

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ha ha ha what a funny post I love the cartoon image of a Borat like figure at the top as well as this whole piece has strong overtones of Borat! The whole thing reads like a comedy sketch but I have to wonder what I am doing wrong as no greasy smelly men have ever approached me in the gym in this way!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Beaton says:

    96
    97
    98
    99
    100….
    ~B

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s