The Art of Working Out

As you all may have guessed by now, I have always fancied myself a rather accomplished amateur bodybuilder.  I was really into it for a while.  And let me tell you, the strict regimen is grueling to say the least.  Every day taking copious amounts of vitamins such as stanozolol, anadrol, testosterone, and so on.  Keeping track of doses.  Oh my gosh I’m getting anxious just thinking about those days now.

And then, after doing this for the better part of a year, another bodybuilder told me that I needed to supplement my vitamins with weight training.  Well that was just too much for me, so I quit.  Cold turkey.  But not before I compiled this list of gems which I will now purge to you, my beloved readers, for no cost.

  1. Symmetry is the key. Step right, step left.  Breathe in, breathe out.  Wax on, wax off.  Yin yang.  For example, if you strain the left side of your lower back while doing some heavy squats then do your best to duplicate the same strain on the right side of your lower back.  That way you will not inadvertently bulk up asymmetrically.  For it is better to be a cripple with puny legs than to end up with that ball-and-chain prison swagger.
  2. Avoid injuries at all cost. One might argue that the best way to do this is to not do any physical activity at all.  It’s a seductive thought.  However, in the spirit of vainness, I suggest that you continue going to the gym but wearing full protective gear.  A hockey helmet and mask comes to mind.  Because concussions are a thing now.
  3. When it comes time to flirting with the opposite sex, subtlety is the key. Do not glare through just one mirror, as I have found that clever women are on to that trick.  Use several mirrors and vary your angles.  The image of your flirtations may be quite small this way, so don’t be afraid to carry a pair of binoculars with you.
  4. If the woman you are flirting with (I am switching to the point of view of a heterosexual man now) is wearing loose fitting clothes, know that there is only one possible reason for this. She is ashamed of her body.  Be sensitive.  Let her know that you sympathize with her condition, and don’t be afraid to offer her some helpful advice on dieting or work out tips.  She will appreciate your honesty and helpfulness.  Maybe you can even suggest going out on a date, perhaps some “Netflix and chill”.  When doing this I find that the added touch of speaking with a Russian accent warms her up to you even more.
  5. And finally my number ONE piece of advice is this: Love your body.  If people can see you loving your own body, then it will just make them want to love your body too.  Touch, caress, fondle, and grope.  Remember that your body is your own temple to worship however you see fit.  And really that’s nobody else’s business.


p.s. I’m thinking of changing my name to VOLKANO and would appreciate some input around this.  If you like this new name then click “Like”.  If you prefer that I follow my old name then click “Follow”.



DRAGONE critiques news, entertainment, sports, fashion, and love. He also has ADD, but that is irrelevant.
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