How **NOT** To Pick Up Women At the Gym

Borat 2As you all may have guessed by now, I have always fancied myself a rather accomplished amateur bodybuilder.  I was really into it for a while.  And let me tell you, the strict regimen is grueling to say the least.  Every day taking copious amounts of vitamins such as stanozolol, anadrol, testosterone, and so on.  Keeping track of doses.  Oh my gosh I’m getting anxious just thinking about those days now.  And then, after doing this for the better part of a year, another bodybuilder told me that I needed to supplement my vitamins with weight training.  Well that was just too much for me, so I quit.  Cold turkey.

However, I still joined a gym.  Not to weight train per se, but as a means of improving my social life.  I was growing tired of the same old comic book store scene.  I was running into the same women no matter which comic book store I went into.  So I thought maybe I could pick up women at the gym.  At first this seemed like a long shot to me, but boy was I ever wrong.  And as a service to you, my readers, DRAGONE will now reveal his most guarded secrets in picking up women at the gym.

How To Pick Up Women at the Gym

  1. As with any activity at the gym you must begin with a warm-up. Begin by staring at the woman of your choice.  But do not stare directly at her as I found this not to work so well.  The gym has mirrors.  Use them to your advantage.  However, even if you stare at a woman through one mirror, I have found that they are onto the basic geometry involved.  You must use a combination of at least 2 mirrors.  That way the direction of your stare will be sufficiently masked.  The image of your woman in the mirror will now be tiny, so you should bring a pair of small binoculars with you. You might also want to slap on an Elmer Fudd hat to put you in the proper frame of mind.
  1. If you happen to be well-endowed then, by all means, show off what you’ve got. Wear tight spandex shorts without underwear to the gym every day.  Pick a woman who is working out in a reclining position, such as the bench press, and offer to spot her.  From her position she will have no choice but to see for herself the magnitude of your masculinity.  You are sure to get lucky if you do this.
  1. You the man.  You Tarzan, she Jane.
  1. Women love a man’s sweat. It has something to do with pheromones.  So do not shower before going to the gym and wear a tank top or muscle shirt, thus exposing your underarms.   This will  allow the pheromones to follow you around like the imported flies on Sally Struthers doing a commercial for ChildFund International.
  1. Do work up a good sweat until your muscles shine like a greased up turkey. If your body does not like to sweat, supplement with Mazola Vegetable Oil (sorry about the commercial plug).  If you run into a woman who you’ve already met before, don’t be afraid to touch her with your slicked up skin.  Maybe even a hello hug.  Let her know that you’re not one of those social gym rats — you take your work outs seriously.
  1. If you’re on the treadmill program it to the lowest possible setting. Hang out there for a while, then when a pretty woman walks by ramp it up to full tilt.  She will be floored by the great shape that she thinks you’re in, and you will be training on a random hill setting without having to program it into the machine.
  1. If a woman is wearing loose fitted clothing there is only one possible reason for this.  She is ashamed of her body.  Be sensitive.  Let her know that you sympathize with her condition, and don’t be afraid to offer her some helpful advice on dieting or work out tips.  She will appreciate your honesty and helpfulness.  Maybe you can even suggest going out on a date, perhaps some “Netflix and chill”.  When doing this I find that the added touch of speaking with a Russian accent warms her up to you even more.

DRAGONE out.

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Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

heart-brokenRejection.  What an ugly word.  We’ve all been there.  We’ve all had to go through the pain.  The trauma.  The tears.

Yes, I am talking about the hurt that goes with having to reject someone.  Being rejected is easy in comparison.  Heck, most of the time it’s a relief.  But the trauma of having to break someone’s heart is gut wrenching.

I think that women suffer more than men with this.  How do you break it to the unsuspecting guy?

Well, to help you out a little, DRAGONE here has compiled a few tidbits of advice.  Actually, not really advice, more like anecdotal and fragmented memories from years gone by of women breaking up with me.  That is, if you consider rejection after a first date “breaking up”.  I certainly did.

If you’re looking for some semblance of guidance in this list, or some how-to-do-this-messy-shit instruction manual, then you’re out of luck.  What you will find here instead are some personal examples, along with my post-mortem thoughts on the matter.  It is my hope that this will help somebody.  Somewhere.  Sometime.

  1. Her break-up line: “I’m really flattered that you find me so attractive, but if only you could value something other than my physical appearance. That’s really important to me.”  My thoughts: Ok, so what I believe is missing here is an understanding of the basic nature of men.  Men are visual creatures.  I tried to be honest with her when explaining this.
  2. Her break-up line: “You’re a really nice guy.  But I prefer a man who is taller than me.  And who has hair.  On his head.”  My thoughts:  See now this I understand.  It took me a month of sobbing uncontrollably and dousing my head with ancient Chinese ointments that I ordered online before I could eat solid food again.  But fair is fair.
  3. Her break-up line: “So, what’s your five year plan?”  My thoughts:  In retrospect, perhaps this was not intended to be a break-up line.  We were on a first date, and she was just thinking of questions to ask me.  I met her question with 45 seconds of awkward silence before slowly standing out of my seat, pretending to stretch, and then bolting out of there as fast as I could.
  4. Her break-up line: So, what did you say you do for a living?” My thoughts:  See item # 3 above.
  5. Her break-up line:You don’t look anything like the picture you sent me.”  My thoughts:  I’m not sure if I could technically call this a break-up, since this one sentence was the only face to face interaction that we had.  We did exchange some rather provocative emails, however.
  6. Her break-up line: “Sex with you has been really nice.  But I think you would be a better fit with someone more petite.”  My thoughts:  I don’t understand what she was trying to say here.  She was by no means overweight, so I don’t know why she was so hard on herself.
  7. Her break-up line: “That is the weirdest fucked up shit I have ever encountered in my entire life.”  My thoughts:  Obviously, this so-called worldly woman does not get around much.
  8. Her break-up line: “Please don’t talk like that.  Your imitations are really not that good.”  My thoughts:  Well excuse me for trying to be funny.  My bad.

Good luck to all of you out there.  It’s a tough world we live in.

DRAGONE out.

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Signed By “Who’s Always Late For Class? – Jennifer Ping”

Who knew that Godiva chocolates were delicious?  I’ve always listed Ferrero Roches as my favourites, and they still are, but despite the fact that these Godivas are made with dark chocolate they are indeed delicious.  Thank you Jennifer Ping.

Yes, that’s the same Jennifer Ping that gave me a card signed by “Who’s always late for class? – Jennifer Ping”, complete with a crying emoji.

You see, she needs to maintain her 85% average in Calculus, and there’s the exam coming up next week.  Little does Jennifer Ping know that she will have no trouble with the exam, since it is way easier than the super hard tests I’ve been making specifically for her (and a couple of other slackers).  low gradeThat’s just my way of enforcing karma, since it’s not fair that she can show up to class whenever she feels like it, write a test a few days late, while making up some lame excuse.  She even emailed me a picture of her thermometer showing a low grade fever (C’mon Jennifer, couldn’t you find a place to put that thing that would give it a higher reading?).

I’m an INFP.  I hate confrontation but I absolutely must maintain fairness, on principle.  It’s a hard combo to live with.

christian-louboutin-mens-sneakers-01Oh, and here’s a pair of shoes that one of my students bought recently.  They’re more expensive than my car.  Gotta love working at a private school 🙂

DRAGONE out.

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2016 Predictions: The Aftermath of the Taylor Swift / Calvin Harris Break Up

yogi bear and boo boo

 

“It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future” – The Great Yogi Berra

 

  1. The heartbroken Calvin Harris will go back to his roots. He will decide that Calvin is too nerdy a name for a hip guy like himself and so will legally change his name back to his birth name, Adam Richard Wiles.
  2. He will move back to his hometown of Scotland and buy a parrot that he could train to agree with everything he says. He will name the parrot Tay-Tay.
  3. Old school friends will come to visit him, feigning sympathy in the hopes of receiving substantial “loans” for their new start-up ventures while Calvin/Adam is still vulnerable.
  4. Calvin/Adam will attempt suicide by drowning, but will be saved by the Loch Ness Monster.
  5. Nobody will believe him, except for Tay-Tay.
  6. Taylor Swift will surprise a fan and show up at his wedding to sing “Blank Space”.
  7. She will then go back to her roots and move back to her hometown of Wyomissing, Pennsylvania. She will buy a big new house for her and her parents to live in.
  8. She will go back to her roots artistically as well, in Country & Western.
  9. Taylor Swift will join Dan Aykroyd in his Blues Brothers band, which everyone knows specializes in both types of music – Country and Western.
  10. Taylor will try to take on the role of John Belushi. To look the part she will go on a strict diet of cheeseburgers and cocaine.
  11. After a near overdose she will fly to the town of Scotland in the hopes of reuniting with Calvin/Adam.
  12. After a heart-to-heart chat over some haggis and tea, she will propose. Marriage, that is.  He will say  “Aye!”.
  13. The new couple will live the rest of their lives in obscurity, setting up a “Loch Ness Monster Chasing” adventure tourism company.

DRAGONE out.

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Real Men Don’t Write

Writing is for girls and sissies.  Not for real men.  If real men wish to share their feelings, which isn’t very often, then usually one of two activities ensue:  fighting or sex.  Actually, usually both of those activities ensue, unless it is with another man, in which case usually it is just fighting.  Unless the real man happens to be gay.  However, if the real man is not gay, then there is a good chance that the sex isn’t so much an outpouring of his feelings but the scratching of a very itchy mosquito bite that isn’t located on the surface of his skin, but inside of his penis.

Okay, now I’m off topic. And confused.  And itchy.  Let me start again.

Real men don’t write, because real men don’t have feelings.  Not real feelings anyways, unless you call “hunger”, “tired”, or “hot”, feelings.  I certainly do.  But then again, I am a real man.

muscle computerDRAGONE is a real man, in case I wasn’t clear before.  Not that he needs to repeat it often.  He just likes to repeat it often.  And being a real man, DRAGONE does not write.  He types.  Although he types in private.  This is because he is aware of how most real men type, with only their stubby index fingers, whereas he uses all of his fingers to type.

When DRAGONE was a real boy he didn’t have many friends.  He developed a hobby which he called typing.  This was done on a typewriter, not a keyboard.  He enjoyed reorganizing and recategorizing books that were packed with information, organized into many categories.  Books such as The Guinness Book of World Records.  He enjoyed this book in particular because he found human freaks of nature intriguing.

DRAGONE does not write, he types.  He does not type about feelings.  (or does he?  hmmmm … )  He no longer recategorizes strange books.  So what the hell does he type about anyways?  I’m not totally sure.  I’ll have to ask him one day.

DRAGONE out.

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Letter of Apology to LeBron James

USP NBA: NEW YORK KNICKS AT CLEVELAND CAVALIERS S BKN USA OH

Dear LeBron,

I am so sorry for your loss.  Or rather two losses, to the Toronto Raptors.  I know, it’s just not fair. You were supposed to win the championship in 16 games.  The refs told you they’d have your back, and they did.  They refused to call any fouls on you or your teammates until the third quarter.  But they can’t score buckets for you.  You do have to do some of it yourself.

LeBron, your biceps are so large.  I don’t understand how your biceps could have possibly allowed the Toronto Raptors to outplay you and outhustle you as they did.  Are the Toronto Raptors blind?  Did they not see how big your biceps are?  I just don’t understand.

LeBron, I am also sorry that you have to listen to Drake chirp you all game long.  It must be so humiliating, since he’s more famous than you.  I am so very, very sorry for your suffering.  It’s going to really suck being you when you lose to the Raptors in your own backyard.

Oh, and our big guy, Jonas Valanciunas, who by the way is bigger and a whole lot better than you, is ready to play.  But he probably won’t because Bismack is whooping your butt like it’s a djembe drum.  But just in case he has an off night, get ready for Jonas.

It must suck to be you right now.  Sorry LeBron.

DRAGONE out.

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Anti-Cleaning Rant

Spring cleaning is oh so much fun!  I personally prefer to just push things further and further into the various closets of our house.  But then again, had we not embarked on this oh so fun adventure, on a beautiful sunny day, we would have not found our two house phones.  The 6 messages on the phones are all different versions on the same theme, although they get progressively more rude.  Apparently one is not allowed to remain in overdraft indefinitely.  Whatever.

Dirty-TubWhile I’m on an anti-cleaning rant, I also prefer to not tidy our house prior to the cleaning lady’s arrival, as it doesn’t make much sense to me.  Like, what does she get paid for then?  I also prefer not to make the bed in the morning since it will just become unmade at night.  And does the bathtub really need cleaning?  More than its daily dose of soapy water that splashes into it?  Really?

Now let’s turn our attention to the oven and microwave.  Yes, they are filthy.  But bacteria and microbes do not survive such high temperatures, so why bother?  Oh DRAGONE, you should learn to not be so logical.

I’m tired. I’m going back to bed.  Damn, the sheets are in the washing machine.  I’m taking a nap on the couch then.

DRAGONE out.

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