Signed By “Who’s Always Late For Class? – Jennifer Ping”

Who knew that Godiva chocolates were delicious?  I’ve always listed Ferrero Roches as my favourites, and they still are, but despite the fact that these Godivas are made with dark chocolate they are indeed delicious.  Thank you Jennifer Ping.

Yes, that’s the same Jennifer Ping that gave me a card signed by “Who’s always late for class? – Jennifer Ping”, complete with a crying emoji.

You see, she needs to maintain her 85% average in Calculus, and there’s the exam coming up next week.  Little does Jennifer Ping know that she will have no trouble with the exam, since it is way easier than the super hard tests I’ve been making specifically for her (and a couple of other slackers).  low gradeThat’s just my way of enforcing karma, since it’s not fair that she can show up to class whenever she feels like it, write a test a few days late, while making up some lame excuse.  She even emailed me a picture of her thermometer showing a low grade fever (C’mon Jennifer, couldn’t you find a place to put that thing that would give it a higher reading?).

I’m an INFP.  I hate confrontation but I absolutely must maintain fairness, on principle.  It’s a hard combo to live with.

christian-louboutin-mens-sneakers-01Oh, and here’s a pair of shoes that one of my students bought recently.  They’re more expensive than my car.  Gotta love working at a private school 🙂

DRAGONE out.

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2016 Predictions: The Aftermath of the Taylor Swift / Calvin Harris Break Up

yogi bear and boo boo

 

“It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future” – The Great Yogi Berra

 

  1. The heartbroken Calvin Harris will go back to his roots. He will decide that Calvin is too nerdy a name for a hip guy like himself and so will legally change his name back to his birth name, Adam Richard Wiles.
  2. He will move back to his hometown of Scotland and buy a parrot that he could train to agree with everything he says. He will name the parrot Tay-Tay.
  3. Old school friends will come to visit him, feigning sympathy in the hopes of receiving substantial “loans” for their new start-up ventures while Calvin/Adam is still vulnerable.
  4. Calvin/Adam will attempt suicide by drowning, but will be saved by the Loch Ness Monster.
  5. Nobody will believe him, except for Tay-Tay.
  6. Taylor Swift will surprise a fan and show up at his wedding to sing “Blank Space”.
  7. She will then go back to her roots and move back to her hometown of Wyomissing, Pennsylvania. She will buy a big new house for her and her parents to live in.
  8. She will go back to her roots artistically as well, in Country & Western.
  9. Taylor Swift will join Dan Aykroyd in his Blues Brothers band, which everyone knows specializes in both types of music – Country and Western.
  10. Taylor will try to take on the role of John Belushi. To look the part she will go on a strict diet of cheeseburgers and cocaine.
  11. After a near overdose she will fly to the town of Scotland in the hopes of reuniting with Calvin/Adam.
  12. After a heart-to-heart chat over some haggis and tea, she will propose. Marriage, that is.  He will say  “Aye!”.
  13. The new couple will live the rest of their lives in obscurity, setting up a “Loch Ness Monster Chasing” adventure tourism company.

DRAGONE out.

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Real Men Don’t Write

Writing is for girls and sissies.  Not for real men.  If real men wish to share their feelings, which isn’t very often, then usually one of two activities ensue:  fighting or sex.  Actually, usually both of those activities ensue, unless it is with another man, in which case usually it is just fighting.  Unless the real man happens to be gay.  However, if the real man is not gay, then there is a good chance that the sex isn’t so much an outpouring of his feelings but the scratching of a very itchy mosquito bite that isn’t located on the surface of his skin, but inside of his penis.

Okay, now I’m off topic. And confused.  And itchy.  Let me start again.

Real men don’t write, because real men don’t have feelings.  Not real feelings anyways, unless you call “hunger”, “tired”, or “hot”, feelings.  I certainly do.  But then again, I am a real man.

muscle computerDRAGONE is a real man, in case I wasn’t clear before.  Not that he needs to repeat it often.  He just likes to repeat it often.  And being a real man, DRAGONE does not write.  He types.  Although he types in private.  This is because he is aware of how most real men type, with only their stubby index fingers, whereas he uses all of his fingers to type.

When DRAGONE was a real boy he didn’t have many friends.  He developed a hobby which he called typing.  This was done on a typewriter, not a keyboard.  He enjoyed reorganizing and recategorizing books that were packed with information, organized into many categories.  Books such as The Guinness Book of World Records.  He enjoyed this book in particular because he found human freaks of nature intriguing.

DRAGONE does not write, he types.  He does not type about feelings.  (or does he?  hmmmm … )  He no longer recategorizes strange books.  So what the hell does he type about anyways?  I’m not totally sure.  I’ll have to ask him one day.

DRAGONE out.

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Letter of Apology to LeBron James

USP NBA: NEW YORK KNICKS AT CLEVELAND CAVALIERS S BKN USA OH

Dear LeBron,

I am so sorry for your loss.  Or rather two losses, to the Toronto Raptors.  I know, it’s just not fair. You were supposed to win the championship in 16 games.  The refs told you they’d have your back, and they did.  They refused to call any fouls on you or your teammates until the third quarter.  But they can’t score buckets for you.  You do have to do some of it yourself.

LeBron, your biceps are so large.  I don’t understand how your biceps could have possibly allowed the Toronto Raptors to outplay you and outhustle you as they did.  Are the Toronto Raptors blind?  Did they not see how big your biceps are?  I just don’t understand.

LeBron, I am also sorry that you have to listen to Drake chirp you all game long.  It must be so humiliating, since he’s more famous than you.  I am so very, very sorry for your suffering.  It’s going to really suck being you when you lose to the Raptors in your own backyard.

Oh, and our big guy, Jonas Valanciunas, who by the way is bigger and a whole lot better than you, is ready to play.  But he probably won’t because Bismack is whooping your butt like it’s a djembe drum.  But just in case he has an off night, get ready for Jonas.

It must suck to be you right now.  Sorry LeBron.

DRAGONE out.

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Anti-Cleaning Rant

Spring cleaning is oh so much fun!  I personally prefer to just push things further and further into the various closets of our house.  But then again, had we not embarked on this oh so fun adventure, on a beautiful sunny day, we would have not found our two house phones.  The 6 messages on the phones are all different versions on the same theme, although they get progressively more rude.  Apparently one is not allowed to remain in overdraft indefinitely.  Whatever.

Dirty-TubWhile I’m on an anti-cleaning rant, I also prefer to not tidy our house prior to the cleaning lady’s arrival, as it doesn’t make much sense to me.  Like, what does she get paid for then?  I also prefer not to make the bed in the morning since it will just become unmade at night.  And does the bathtub really need cleaning?  More than its daily dose of soapy water that splashes into it?  Really?

Now let’s turn our attention to the oven and microwave.  Yes, they are filthy.  But bacteria and microbes do not survive such high temperatures, so why bother?  Oh DRAGONE, you should learn to not be so logical.

I’m tired. I’m going back to bed.  Damn, the sheets are in the washing machine.  I’m taking a nap on the couch then.

DRAGONE out.

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Blogging Tips For Newbies

bloggingHello fellow newbie bloggers.  Being a beginner blogger myself, I feel particularly qualified to give advice on blogging since I am currently in the midst of making all of the same mistakes that you are.  If I wait until I figure them all out then I will have forgotten what they were in the first place.  With this strategy in mind, here are my blogging tips for you, the newbie blogger.

  1. Make sure that you have a personable profile picture. Make it your real face – people want to know who is behind the provocative and inflammatory words that they are reading.  Also, use your actual name, not some sort of stupid pseudonym that elicits an image that you have delusionally carved out for yourself, right “Thor Jackhammer” ?
  2. Do try to be provocative and insulting. Nobody wants to read a boring blog.  People enjoy laughing at themselves just as much as you enjoy laughing at them, so throw all political correctness out your fat ass and insult away.
  3. Do not, under any circumstance, read other people’s blogs. You will lose all sense of creativity and subconsciously copy someone else’s style.  Be your own blogger.  Besides, reading is the exact opposite to writing, and as a result your writing neurons will atrophy.
  4. Timing is everything. As the weather gets warmer people are probably going to get tired of going outdoors every weekend and will end up indoors, in a dark room, in front of their laptops.  Or perhaps they will stay in bed all day glued to their mobile devices.  So in the summertime especially, post your blogs on weekends.
  5. Pictures are worth a thousand words. Who the hell has time to read a thousand words when they can already see the title of the next blog in a nice big font?  Ditch the pictures.
  6. Use as many tags as WordPress will allow. At least one for each letter of the alphabet as every writer has their own favorite letter that they like to start words with.  You can cheat with X since it’s such a tough one, e.g.  “ex-wives”, “exhumation”, excetera.
  7. Never respond to comments. It shows weakness and vulnerability, and your competition will rip you apart and feed you to the pigeons.  Your remnants will be decomposed by earthworms.
  8. Like in love, always end your blog with your signature move. It makes them want to come back for more.

DRAGONE out.

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NEEDS

Men have needs.  Mrs. DRAGONE still fails to understand this.  After a long day at work, playing soccer with teenagers, I come home tired and exhausted.  More exhausted than tired usually.  And when I come home, I expect a certain level of understanding around my needs.

Typically, after soccer practice, and then after sitting in a car for an hour, I have difficulty walking.  My various leg muscles cramp up and honestly I don’t know how I even manage to make it home with the constant push and release of the brake that is necessary for a rush hour commute.  By the time I get home, my legs have ceased to function.

But that is only superficial exhaustion.  The real exhaustion sets in when I become dizzy and have difficulty seeing, speaking, and swallowing.  My head begins to sweat profusely at which point I NEED an ice pack on my head and the back of my neck.  And if this is not enough, as was the case a few days ago, then I NEED cold sugar.

Yes, the baby is crying and needs attention (that would be the real baby in our house, not yours truly).  But DRAGONE has NEEDS.  Ice cream!!!   We have granola bars and popsicles says Mrs. DRAGONE, who purposely keeps “bad” food out of the house due to the potential of junk food abuse.  No, she doesn’t understand.  I NEED ice cream.  My electrolytes need to be replenished.

But there are no electrolytes in ice cream she says.  However, I trust my body.  When it speaks to me with such conviction, I listen.  Since I’m now in my PJs and can’t be seen outdoors in this state, I must resort to a drive-thru of some sort.  McDonald’s milkshakes!  I NEED a large chocolate McDonald’s milkshake!

Well, not only are there no electrolytes in a McDonald’s milkshake, says Mrs. DRAGONE, but there is also a lack of milk, or any substance that might qualify as “food”.  Food, chemicals, edible oil products, it’s all good, says DRAGONE.  As long as its cold and sweet, it will heel my body.

mcdonaldsWell suffice to say, order was restored in the house after DRAGONE got his needs met.  The large size milkshake is rather large, and I was unable to finish it.  As a scientific curiosity, I kept the remainder in the fridge for a few days.  It’s still thick and frothy on the top.  You don’t know whether to eat it with a spoon or drink it with a straw.  Ahhhh, the magic of McDonald’s shakes.

DRAGONE out.

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What I Learned Taking a Group of High School Boys to a Soccer Tournament

  1. Sun hot. Rain cold.
  2. Never trust a teenage boy with car keys. In this case, the keys were locked in the car ignition, draining the battery.
  3. It’s ok for adults to swear at kids at the top of their lungs, so long as they are in the role of coach or referee. In the role of teacher, not so much.
  4. If the ball smacks a kid in the face and blood starts gushing out of his nose, save the team uniform at all cost. The kid’s got 6 litres of blood in him – we’ve only got 25 uniforms.blue foam
  5. If you need to take a dump, take it early. I hate when I have to use ripped up blue foam from the inside of someone’s equipment to wipe my ass when both the men’s and women’s stalls have run out of toilet paper.  Related to this (we can call it 5a) if you must use ripped up blue foam, like in soccer, a gentle touch is best.
  6. Loud gangsta rap in the morning on the way there is rejuvenating. On the way home, after the heat stroke has set in, it’s really fucking annoying.
  7. You can do decent headers while wearing a turban. While wearing sunglasses, not so much.
  8. Six foot, two hundred pound teenage boys can be such wusses.
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Why Justin Bieber?

justin bieber idiotI don’t get it.  Why Justin Bieber?

A few months ago I wrote a blog, a fake news article, about Justin Bieber getting a brain transplant.  He was going to switch brains with brainiac physicist Stephen Hawking, who is confined to a wheelchair with a debilitating disease.  But what Justin Bieber couldn’t understand was that it wasn’t going to be a “brain transplant”, since your brain is really you, but a “body transplant”.

Anyway, I’m not going to link the blog here, that’s not the point.  The point is, I wrote 5 new posts last week and my most viewed one is, you guessed it, that damn Justin Bieber post from months ago.

Why?  I don’t understand!  I notice that I keep getting views on that post because of random Justin Bieber Google searches.  But why?  Why is he searched so much?  He’ doesn’t even want to take pictures with his fans!

Rant over.  I’m not actually that upset.  I get that teenage girls think he’s hot.  Maybe grown women too, I don’t know.

If I knew Photoshop I would put his head on Stephen Hawking.  I’m thinking of it right now.  It’s making me laugh.

DRAGONE out.

 

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It’s Mouse Hunting Season!

I don’t care what anyone else says, men are natural born hunters.  I grew up in the city and so was not raised in a hunting and fishing culture.  I didn’t even have any pets, other than a couple of cats with my first wife.  Those cats and I (even though they are both dead now), we share a common urge.  We are natural born mouse hunters.

It starts with a couple of tiny turd drops in the cutlery drawer, nestled inside of a teaspoon.  No thank you, Mr. Mouse, I do not want two mouse turds in my coffee.  Nice try, but now I’m on to you.

dead mickey mouseHunting isn’t about physical domination.  That would be fighting.  Hunting is about getting into the mind of your prey.  Outsmarting them.  Luring them.  Trapping them.

My mouse hunting tools consist of a 49 cent wooden mouse trap and a quarter teaspoon of Skippy peanut butter.  That’s right, Mr. Mouse, you taunted me with the same teaspoon that I will use to lure you to your demise.   And that brings me a particularly sweet kind of satisfaction.

The trap is now set.  Come and get it.  Here mousy mousy …

DRAGONE out.

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